I cannot seem to find the source of this knowledge that I acquired in the distant past. There are a wide variety of “guides” and “etiquette” pages on the internet, but they all fail in one way or another by over-complicating the topic. Sometimes they wander off into discussions of stupid bullshit like the “manliness” of the child-height urinal. Other times they suggest that certain configurations with OPEN URINALS require you to NOT USE THEM. This is patently fucking absurd. If there’s a free urinal, it is unreasonable for you to expect someone to dance around at the sink because YOU don’t like it. We all gotta pee, so fuck you.

Many sources fail because they’re based on the fallacy that there is always a way to have zero proximity and thus zero awkwardness. Wrong. The actual key concept in urinal selection is that you are attempting to MINIMIZE unnecessary proximity. MINIMIZE ≠ ELIMINATE. Sometimes you stand next to two other dudes and pee. This is life.

An immediate aside: if you are this person that prefers to wait until no one could possibly look at your junk cause it might catch fire or turn into a pumpkin or whatever, you should feel a PERSONAL OBLIGATION to INFORM those behind you in a line that they may proceed ahead of you. Your personal preferences needn’t inconvenience everyone.

The Problem

It’s simple. Urinals are efficient, but they make something that is generally private into something that is somewhat public. You can’t always avoid the awkwardness, but you can do your best to improve the probability. It’s basically a Nash Equilibrium if you’re into that sort of thing. We can all win more often if we all take each other’s strategic goals into account. Good news: we all have the same goals.

A couple preliminary assertions.

  • Obviously if there’s only one urinal, you know which one to use. Use it.
  • Urinals with dividers reduce awkwardness. The rules still apply.
  • Walls and empty spaces both represent victory conditions, one on each side being ideal. Walls are superior, but you do what you gotta.
  • Don’t talk. Really. Even if you know another guy in there, it’s not the time. Do your business, two-shake, talk at the sink. Even then, maybe just wait till you get outside.
  • Anyone who suggests you shouldn’t fart at the urinal is an idiot. It’s a bathroom, it’s for this. Don’t crop-dust the whole room, but if you need to let it out, let it out.
  • Do not put solids in the urinal. This includes gum and paper towels and most definitely includes poop. It’s sad this even has to be said, but evidence from reality suggests it does.

I’m gonna go into some amount of detail, but here’s the short version to help you quickly identify the most desirable urinal:

Real wall, fake wall, buffer space, thunderdome.

The Solution

  1. Real Wall

    All things being equal, empty bathroom, weighed down by excessive choice, any urinal bounded by a real, actual wall is the best urinal. It guarantees you no more than one neighbor and that is as good as it gets in a multi-urinal situation. Real wall: it’s the best. If some jack-hole has gotten into the slot next to the slot with a real wall, consider it occupied, move on to option two. If it’s a three-slot and some dude is in the middle, it is possible he ended up there by force and not by virtue of being an asshole, but fuck him anyway, sigh dramatically and take the one next to the real wall.

    But wait. You walk in, some dude is using the real wall option. Bummer, you’ve lost option one. Time for option two.

  2. Fake Wall

    Dividers, partitions, etc. The fake wall you care about is the one adjacent to a sit-down stall. Even if the urinals are all partitioned, this stall-adjacent fake wall is the superior fake wall. Hopefully the dude next door on the can brought something to read and won’t talk to you. It is what it is, you’ll have to risk it. Obviously if there are only two urinals, you will be standing next to some guy. Silver lining: there’s only one and that’s better than two. If there are three or more urinals, you’re not next to anyone. Victory.

    But alas, you’ve walked in and the line is endcapped. Option 3.

  3. Buffer space

    The next best thing to a wall, real or fake, is buffer space, an empty urinal on both sides. If there are three urinals and you made it this far, this space doesn’t exist. Get in there and get it done. If there are four urinals, you can only be buffered on one side. Choose wisely: the arm attached to the hand you hold your gentleman’s sausage with will probably be the one moving, leave the buffer on that side. If there are five or six urinals, the next guy is out of luck. If you played by the rules, you are without fault and any gentleman will respect that. Seven or more urinals, remember that the next guy that walks in has the same decision tree you do: he is also looking for a buffer space. Don’t be a fuck-bag and take the middle urinal in a line of seven. This is greedy, asshole bullshit. You do not need more than one space on either side.

    But blast it all, there are no buffer spaces available. That brings us to option four.

  4. Thunderdome

    There are no longer any rules to guide you. Go to whichever slot seems best to you, may god have mercy upon your bladder movement. Half-buffer is better than no buffer, but we’re splitting hairs here. Just. Go. Pee.

So there you have it. There are a lot of words there, but it’s simple:

Real wall, fake wall, buffer space, thunderdome.

Urinal Choice: It’s not difficult.